snark (reading) lady

I'm not marking this with a read date, because I really don't want it to count toward my 2012 total. Essentially, that's how I feel about this book. It should count for nothing. I picked it up because of the hype and after ONE PAGE, I knew this was going to be way worse than anything I expected. And then, I started writing chapter recaps to take away the pain. You can find those starting here.My main problems with this book:1.) The writing is terrible. The style, the word choice, the descriptions. It's all bad, in such a way that it's distracting from the "plot" which is a word I use lightly. There were multiple times when I was reading and I had to stop and just stare at the book because of the terrible word choice. For instance, James is fond of saying Ana looks up "from beneath her lashes." Oh, really? That is such a ridiculous thing to say because everyone's eyes are beneath their lashes. "I flush scarlet." How about in the future you just tell us if you flush any color that isn't red? Red is normal. You should be worried when you start flushing orange or green. "I gasp and swallow at the same time." Everyone. Try that right now. Please, try to gasp and swallow right right now and tell me how that goes for you. 2.) Ana is a terrible narrator. She's a horrible friend, she has extreme self esteem and self worth issues, and she's oblivious to everything going on around her.3.) The repetition. E.L. James beats you over the head with certain phrases, certain character quirks, and some point after they start having sex, each scene just bleeds into the other with more and more of the same. 4.) They share a mother fucking tooth brush and I take great issue with this. The dialogue is so stuffy, especially between Ana and her supposed best friends. Some of the stuff that is meant to be erotic or sexy is not. I go back to the toothbrush sharing but would also add to that list: sleeping in virginity blood, any reference to feeling like a child while near any sexual activity, the mother-freaking tampon, and of course stalking. Some of the behavior of the main characters is just shameful, which I could accept as part of the story, but not how people tout it. Don't talk to me about Grey being any sort of romantic hero at all, is what I'm saying. I think if I had read this book before the hype, I might have given it 2 stars. The fact that people consider this great really, really made me hate it. I'm crazy that way, I guess. Here's a list of things E.L. James should never say again:- floor the pedal to the metal. (which she only said once but quickly became my favorite non-favorite thing ever.)- fuck the paperwork- mercurial- stop biting that lip- inner goddess- medulla oblongata- subconscious- gentle victorious samba- murmur- whisper- dryly- impassive- gray- steel And that is of course just the worse of all the very bad offenders.The "best" parts of the book came in the form of emails, meaning that our main character weren't even actually together, which tells you a lot. I'm very sad that I first read "shouty capitals" in this book, because it's a good term. Oh, I suppose there should've been some sort of "plot" summary here. Ahem:Girl with very bad self esteem meets boy with serious mommy issues. They decide they really like each other, though we don't know why because girl spends most of every page stuttering and blushing. Boy is hot and rich, though, so there is that. Boy wants one thing. Girls wants another. They go back and forth and back and forth and back and forth on the status of their relationship. Oh, and they have sex. So, if that appeals to you, go for it. I'm pretty sure I'll not be picking up the other two or anything ever written by E.L. James.