snark (reading) lady

Original recap for the Snark Squad here.We open the book with some chick looking at herself in a mirror and trying on clothes. JESSICA WAKEFIELD? ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME?No. It’s Nancy. Apparently 87% of all books geared towards teens must start with an attractive girl checking herself out in a mirror. I totally just made that statistic up, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t true.Nancy is trying on clothes because this book takes her to the hallways of Bedford High for her new case. Her friends George and Bess, whom I affectionately nicknamed the Bovine Besties, try and convince her that high school will be hard. She's Mother Fucking Nancy Drew, though, and says it's no sweat. Someone sends Nancy a creepy VHS stalker tape. It's not only creepy because it's a VHS, though, which makes me feel old and disgusting. The tape warns Nancy to stay away from the high school. We get pages and pages of my biggest "girl detective" pet-peeve of ever, and that's questions used as a means of advancing the narrative. Probably helps when you are 10 and stupid, but when you are 25 and rereading this book, it effectively makes you want to poke your own eyes out. Nancy reports to the high school where lockers are being broken into and video equipment is being stolen. Also, even though we are told that Nan has the hots for Ned Nickerson, she gets a little flirty with a high school kid named Daryl. We are told approximately 358 times that he has "blueberry" colored eyes, which is a really disturbing visual. Nancy meets a whole cast of fishy characters and our theft mystery is quickly bumped up to a murder mystery, when one of those fishy characters ends up dead. Will Nancy figure out who did it? Would you believe me if I told you Russian spies were involved? How many times exactly can we fit in the term "blueberry eyes?" You can find out by reading "Secrets Can Kill." Or, you know, you can just read my recap. You're welcome.