snark (reading) lady

Original recap for the Snark Squad here. This book has more like FIVE STARS... but only in my heart. This was the first Goosebumps book I reread for the Snark Squad, and man is it a good one. I mean, good in the way that it made me really, really sad that I was ever a child. Our main character's name is Larry, which I'll help you remember by telling you that it rhymes with "hairy." I'd take credit for this brilliant and significant deduction BUT RL Stine is the one who went there, and then promptly repeated this fact close to 100 times. Approximately. Other things we learn about Larry: he's in a band and he gets embarrassed by everything. He spends half the book blushing, I think. Also, he has a sweat gland problem and overheats. He has to get special shots from his creepy doctor.Larry's friends decide to make a snowman, like normal fucking children. Larry, though, instead chooses this moment to go rummaging through a dumpster. In the trash, he finds INSTA-TAN. He convinces his friends that they should rub this liquid-y trash all over themselves, and they do. I don't want to give you all the wrong impression of me, but what follows is a ton of really, really awkward phrases for a children's book. I'm just going to copy and paste and wriggle my eyebrows. No commentary from me as I present:“Poured a big glob of it into her hand.” “Creamy white liquid.” “Mmmm. Smells nice.” “Feels cool and creamy.”Right then. Still in the bathroom, Larry takes the “last sticky glob” and “splashed it onto [his] face.” In case you were wondering, it was “cool and creamy.” Also, “the others cheered when I finished rubbing the cream in.”Larry starts to feel sick and his problems get worse as he begins to grow thick patches of hair. Not like regular "your body is going through changes" puberty hair. Straight up, "this is a problem" hair. Out of this all is birthed my favorite new excuse for getting out of things. Why be "washing your hair" when you can be "shaving your hands," am I right?! Try that one out next time there's a family dinner or something. Works like a charm.Why is Larry so hairy? Was it the INSTA-TAN? Where were his parents when he was digging around the dumpster and rubbing white stuff all over his body? Will we ever find out?(Answer: YES. And it is the awesomest ending to a Goosebumps book I've seen yet. I use "awesome" lightly though. Mostly, it ruined me for life.)